Monday, September 21, 2015

the day when guillain-barre syndrome ruined my life!

       The day that guillain-barre syndrome ruined my life was an ordinary day that came with no warning  or sign. It was a nice day outside from what i can recall. Who knew that on the day that the worldkept turning my personal little world would stop and completely change my life for every moment i would have after!
       Before getting sick i used walk with freedom and balance,I could just get up and go and go and go. I lived a life with no fear a life with no pain a life  that was normal. Before i got sick my relationships with the people i love the most were good full of love,fun and memories....but then i got sick and guillain-barre syndrome ruined that life i had!
       Now before you think i am writting this for poor pity me's and that my life was so much better before i got sick, just know i am not! My life was not really my life before i was sick! It was just an average life with normal things happening, how boring it was but yet i could not see it in that time! Getting a weird autoimmune Disease that no one can pronunce and that is so rare no dr knows exactly what to expect or how to treat you was the single most hard thing ihad to go through, but the singke greatest life turning point i was blessed to go through. 
       I used to live a normal life! But now i live an incredible life! The thingsi used to do that were easy i used to take for granted, but now every time idothe simple things i get abig old smile because hey  i am doing it, sure it may take me longer to walk the trails i used to run on, but i am doing it! I may live my life in fear now but its not fear of the unknown its fear that i will get lazy and take it all for granted again. The fear is what drives me to courage. Courage is the action that drives me to live a life not normal for everyone, but something simply wonderful for me. 
      There is no miracle drug or anything that would take it away from me and i hope there never is! Because i dont want te old me back the one that was to content to try or do anything. Because of getting sick i now cherish and love more genuine my friends and family, they are closer in my heart and the memories i make now with them are the ones they will remember when i am not always around! Now dont get me down i still have bad days where i just cant deal with it anymore, and its okay to have those days! Because the next day is always better and it makes me grateful and humble!
       The day guillain-barre syndrome ruined my life was also the day that it made my life so much moremeaningful and for that i am grateful for it!

Sunday, August 11, 2013

turning points.

what are turning points in Websters dictionary it says: a point at which a significant change occurs. we all have significant points in our lives that changes it for better or for worse. The most important word is change. Life is always changing weather we like it or not. Change happens in the littlest ways like the weather to great big things that alter our situations or life as we know it. change is good or bad. Lately i have been thinking about this. as my life has changed so much in the last 3 years, ups downs and all around i have been through it all. i have found out who i really am and where i want to be and the person i always want to be found striving to be. lately i have not been doing so great at that. i found my self to be a completely different person doing things that i didn't want to do, example like getting mad over silly little things that were out of my control and yet throwing a temper tantrum like a 2 year old. what changed in me that all of the sudden i was okay with that? why the change? 

that got me thinking. what was changing me ? what would be my turning points that i either could go on and be and ornery person for the rest of my life, or turn around and be me. well it was not question what i wanted to be. the next part of this i find quite funny because it shows that we can get answers from all things at any point and time. well i was watching the Disney movie mulan when the song came on "when will my reflection show...." yeah we all know the rest. i have listened to this song for how many years and now i start to think of it in my case or any ones life. when do we show who we really are ? why do we change around certain groups or certain people? why are we afraid to be who we are at all times? this is now a huge turning point for me on the road to not being ornery. because you we have significant experiences in our lives that change us, that we are supposed to go through for a reason so that we can go into the world and help someone else in a similar situation. so why do we hide where we are comfortable ? instead of being bold and saying hey i went through this i messed up i made mistakes but look where i am going because of it.

i am not saying flaunt everything that we have ever been through. but we live in a world that is fake, why do we feel we need to be fake in the way and hide who we are. i am a 22 year old who has made my share fair of mistakes, i am just now learning that its okay to own that. i am not perfect nor do i ever want to be perfect, i know we are supposed to be that way, but you know through my eyes my perfection is at the end of the day if i have made a difference, if i have made some one smile, if i am personally happy, etc, that's perfection enough for me. because the day i stop making any mistakes is the day that i stop learning and growing and progressing why would i want that? i am imperfect and i am happy, i make mistakes every day, i am not proud of choices i make, but i am grateful for my turning points to realize those things so that i can change. i have always heard, "be the change today you wish to see in the world tomorrow" i cant change the world, but i can change the person this world creates me to be. when all is said and done and our time is spent here, we are not gonna pack up our u-Hals and head on up to heaven, all that we leave behind is the memories people have of us. how we honored our names, how our family and friends were treated by us, all we leave behind in this changing world is the change we made in it. from big to small, weather it is smiling at someone to helping some one in need, to rising up to our challenges and showing someone that it can be done.

i am not perfect, i get ornery, i get mad, i have happy times and low times, i MAKE mistakes, i learn from them and grow, i have turning points that in this world may not mean anything, but to me they mean the world. i make changes and choices ever day to be the person that i want to be and not the person the world expects me to be. i am a latter day saint and i am dang proud of it, i am a daughter of heavenly father who loves me UN-perfect or even broken at times, because he created me. it doesn't matter what you believe in, just as long as you believe in something greater then your self. some find it in religion some find it in work or family and friends, what ever it is stand by it. because if we are not our selves who are we? i would rather be the person with the cheesy jokes and the smile on my face, then the person who silently slips away with nothing left behind. i am who i am because i have made mistakes, i have been who i wanna be, i have learned who i don't want to be, i have learned that my mistakes, turning points or changes are something that i should not hide, because of all those things i am who i am today because them, i may not have the answers to every problem in this world, i may not even know what to say in certain situations, i may not be the best of my self at all times, but what i do know is that everything is helping me learn and go forward holding my head up because i am who i am because of the things i can do and i cant do.

i guess this post is just a rant of how we have changes come up, we see our turning points then we feel great and wonderful for a bit then shortly forget them because it doesn't conform to what the world wants us to be. and this is just me saying i am who i am and want to be when i embrace the fact that my changes and turning points are molding me to be the best person i can ever be. bring it on. i am ready to not be the change i wish to be in my own life. i know who i am and that my turning points have guided me here where i stand today. who are you today? or tomorrow? who will you be?

keep moving forward.

Friday, June 7, 2013

life is interesting......

life is interesting...... twists and turns, ups and downs and all arounds.... the world we live in today is a rough place at times, but also a wonderful and glorious place to be at times. Everyday that we step out into the world we are bombarded by things that either will make our break us, to bring up our spirits or bring us down. but along the way of that comes critisum, lately i have had a lot of that coming my way lately, all in good hearted ness but at the same time is something that has been holding me back. Lately i have been asked "what all can you do.....? why not collect disability? why not just take it easy ?'' or my personal favorite "here let me do this you can not do that..!" i have had to sit and ponder these questions a lot lately, because 1. yes people are just trying to do whats best for me and i grately appreciate it. but sometimes it comes off differently. 2. it has thrown me off because all of my life i have been doing all of theses things. 3. because i have realized that i have let it enable me so that i am not doing all that i can/could be doing. I have come to the conclusion that they have all come that way thourgh good intetions but why do they come across as not?

in the last year of my life i have endured different things that a normal 22 does not usually have in there lives. My whole life up until just about a year ago i was able to live  the "normal" lifestyle, then all of the sudden in a 24 hour time period that was taken away from me not by my choosing, now when i have a bad day and i am walking funny or something is not working right, i am automatically placed into peoples mind that i have always been that way all my life and that i can not do certain things or i shouldn't do anything. why ? who says that i can't? why do they get to automatically choose what my limits are? i can do anything i want and i will do it. i may have bad days where i cant do much or it takes longer to get out of bed or whatever it may be, but i will still do what i can. this got me thinking what other things in life do others set the limits for us? do we set our limits to low ? do we not push what we know we are capable of doing but to scared to do it? i know for me there are times that i could have pushed a little harder, been a little better, tried more. i also got thinking do we do it to others? do we let others go by the way of just doing the bare minim they can?

are we not here on this earth to learn and grow and help each other to be the best that we can ? aren't we supposed to build others up instead of stunting them? in the world we live in it is perfectly acceptable to set others limits for them or to be able to set our limits only tell we are comfortable in doing not pushing to hard or far, because it is better to just do what we can so that if we go above that and we don't succeeded then we wont get hurt or feel sorrow for falling.we fall into those ruts and in turn think that someone else will do the things we want to and be so much better at it anyways. why? why does it have to be someone else that we think will better at accomplishing everything we want to.
in life we have to make the choices to either set our own limits and exceed them, or let others set them and never do what we really want to do or what we are capable. For me personally i knew that i could go one of two ways,i could either let being sick or being able to not do the things i had done for the last 21 years become a negative thing and only get by, by never pushing my self again for fear of loosing more abilities. Or the other way i could go is set my own limits and boundaries and be able to and make something positive out of the things that i can do. i will never in my life be back to my old ways, and i am grateful for that. my trials, my hard times, my challenges, my NEW limits and boundaries, have made me so much better of a person that i could ever have imagined to be. i know what it is like to be able to do anything in this world, and i know how hard it is to get it taken away  in a instant moment of time. but i now know that even in the changes of life of my life that i can still do what i want, not because others may think that i can and i want to prove them wrong. its because i know that i can do all things. the hardest things in this life are the things worth wild but have to keep going through the hardest things in life because the greatest part of it all is the joy of knowing that you were told at one time you could not do something and then you did it.

i am not a person that judges any one at whatever part of life they are at. i think that life is a wonderful learning experience. Full of experiences for us to make for the good or the bad, but only we can control what we will take from them. are we the critics of others or of our self's where we are stunting experiences or growth? I am grateful for every question that is brought my way regarding the things that i can and or can not do, because those questions make me stronger and able to set new limits so that i can do the best i can in all things. life is already hard enough with the world at a constant change, why do we feel the need to make it harder for either our selves or others by setting different limits or boundaries then what we know we really can do? i am not perfect nor do i ever want to be because if i was i would never be able to try a little harder and be a little better each and every day. i know where my past has taken me, i am confident in where the future will take me, but now in this moment i am grateful to be able to set my own limits and boundaries to lay the path for my future and set the past in the past.
                                   who knows if any of this makes sense. i hope it does. but don't ever let any one tell you cant when you  know you can. the only difference between can't and can is the attitude behind it.

                        keep moving forward and pushing your limits out of your comfort zone. :)

Wednesday, May 8, 2013 has been far to long since i posted anything.... i dunno why it has taken me for ever to get to this point. The last year of my life has been a completely different life then i could have ever imagine, but the life i would never change. i have learned so much and grown in ways i would have never ever done all by my self.   
   lately i have been thinking on trials, and how we get so down in the midst of trials and hard times. why is that? why is it so much easier to walk around with our heads down and bogged down by emotions? though i am one that i believe a good cry, chocolate, and a movie night are just what it takes to make a bad day at least end on a better note. But what about after we have done all we can do, why do we let the feelings of negative stuff hang around.

   As the last couple of months have gone by i have thought a lot about this because i have been ornery, mean, nothing has gone right, and so on and so on. the other day i got a little in site of why it has been this way, yes i have every reason to mad and upset and grumpy for what is going on in my life, but why do i cheat my self and let those emotions stay around? Sure my legs may not work well any more, sure it is hard to get out of bed most days, sure my head is not clear like it used to be, sure struggle after struggle i can be grumpy about it. but why would i want to be? i have always heard that we are in the gospel of happiness i always believed that until i took that happiness away from my self, i was bogged down and mad because why would heavenly father take away the best thing i could ever do in my life and taking me away from his errand. It is not tell just about a year latter that i am finding out the whys and hows, i thought i needed them to get that "gospel of happiness" back in my life, but really all i needed was to look up.

     why is it that when we are in the midst of our hardest things in earthly life that we deny our self's happiness to make it threw? why is it easier to be sad then to just be happy at times? i am not saying we are supposed to be happy at all things and all times, because sometimes you need those days just to say to the world i cant take you on today and be sad, grumpy or whatever we need to be to make the next day better. some days and some trials just plan out suck and at times its all we can do is make it threw the day. But we forget that its okay to be happy in the hard times. it is not that we must just endure our trials but to find the happiness along the way. Heavenly father is not a god of sadness and sorrow but a god of joy, happiness and so much good. the times we are sad he is right there weather we feel him or not always has been always will. the times we are happy he is right there rejoicing with us. but do we deprive our selfs of rejoicing more? do we add pressure on to already hard enough tasks? i know i do. i am not perfect nor do i want to be, i make mistakes after mistakes. weather its the same one over and over or something new, i am harder on my self then heavnely father is on me. the lord said for give a man 7 x 70, we know that is to be for the people that may hurt us in any way shape or form, for me i always thought that just meant friends, family, just people in general, never did i think that to go for my self. Forgive my self 7 x 70 ? could i really do that? forgive my self for taking on more then the orignal trial by letting negative thoughts creep into my head....forgive my self for denying my self happiness...just forgiving...

   trails come and go but sometimes maybe the trials are the tender mercies. tender mercies are from up above just to say keep going a little longer it will all be okay, tender mercies are just that tender. just because we are going through whatever it may be doesnt mean that we have to bo bogged down in the sadness of it all every day, we can find the happiness or tender mercies while we are looking for the trial to be over. i know for me is some thing i really needed to learn. sure i cant walk well some days but hey look at the days i can? sure some days are harder to get out of bed but hey on the not so good days at least i get extra time to be warm in a cozy bed. sure my head may not be clear at all times, but those days that it is makes it worth it. trials and hard times are what we are here on this earth for, because some one cares about us so so much that he is willing to test and stretch us to become the best us we can possible be. why cheat our selves out of the happiness we can find along the way?

    everyday i may not be able to say i am grateful for everything i have been delt, but i know at the end of every day i can say i am grateful for a loving heavenly father that loves me enough to make me better. Going through a trial? how lucky are you!! you are being created to be the best you. you keep going and you keep making it through it the best you can, dont fake it tell you make it , just make it.

                                         KEEP MOVING FORWARD AND LOOKING UP!!


Monday, July 23, 2012

this is the post that i have been putting off for a while now.... what a whirl wind of things that have gone on lately... where to start... well last week i got the chance to go to the temple crutches and all. what a wonderful experience it was. i felt for the first time in a while that it was all really and honestly truly going to be okay. so great. then the next day i got everything that i had work for with walking and feeling my legs had gone...its crazy how one min i can feel on the top of the world filling good and progressing, then the next moment be taken away. i have had a lot of time to reflect and ponder how this really makes me feel... while writing my home coming talk many emotions fled into my head and heart. mission the mission, companions and friends, the people i worked with, etc. feelings of failure, anger, hopelessness, sad, and heart breaking soon to follow...but then something wonderful happened, they were lifted up and replaced with feelings of peace, comfort, joy, happiness, fulfillment and so much more. i saw that this is the biggest trial of my life....why do i need to make it worse by letting those feelings of hurt come into play and rule my life. there are many things that are out of my control. but that is one thing that is in my control. yes there are days that just plain out suck, but there are days that are so worth it, even if its just the tender mercies of the lord that i have to cling to all day long. the tender mercies.... every step, every day every moment is a tender mercy from the lord. why not live up to it. i can not control when or where or how i will walk or feel my legs again, i dunno when it will happen. but i know it will happen, and having a bad attitude about it wont help. everyone has trials everyone has something they need to progress from. i have known this for ever...but the thing that i didn't know was that sometimes we create more things then needed,by just form the way that we feel. from the way we want to take on the day. now Satan comes into play here, because he is the one that has those kind of negative thoughts, but who is our master and who do we serve? not the one that wants us to be as miserable as him, we serve the one that wants us to enjoy happiness with him, and so much more. i know that this is the road that i am supposed to be on. i know this is the trail that i need to have. maybe its mostly for me, but maybe others might be learning, just like i learn from others trials. sometimes having the trial in our own life makes us stronger, but everyday every where there is a trial that we may help someone else with or that it might help us in seeing the way they handle it. everything that we go threw in return helps us, but will help others as well. life is hard....make it is special....find the stinks sometimes.....make it is worth it....see the miracles and the tender mercies everyday. i am grateful for this trial, i am grateful for the support care and love that i have gotten. i am grateful for this life and the journey that it is bringing.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

for the past couple of days i have been looking back on the days that i was in the hospital in maine....something that keeps coming to my mind is the saviors my life i have not always made the right choices. i have learned that part of the atonement and being able to be forgiven for the mistakes and such, having used that i have a huge testimony on that part of it. now as i look back to being in the hospital, i have finally remembered something that happened, one spiritural moment for us i entered the hospital thursday and stayed until monday, on saturday it was the worse day we had in there. i was in so much pain that i could not even open my eyes. i could not move at all, my companion and i were freaking out. i started to have a really hard time breathing. my companion called the elders to come up to the hospital. they came with in the hour. things started  to go really downhill. they came and i was not even able to talk to them. they sang hyms and i fell asleep. that night our mission president and his wife came up and spent the night with us. the next day they brought the sacrament up to us, there shared something that they had learned at church, when it got to me to say something, all that came to my mind was the atonement, how when with all of the missionaries, the mission president and his wife, and members, i was feeling a burden lifted. i was feeling the affects of the atonment that i have never felt before, i was so weak, could barely move, but yet i felt so light. that is where i truly found and was able to feel that jesus christ had truly taken my burden, my pain and put it on his shoulders. what greater blessing to keep me smiling??

in times of trials we have to look for the reason of why we are supposed to go threw it. health wise i am about the same. i started phsyical threapy and it just about killed me. and we just did the evealutaion. my body is extremly weak and tired.... needless to say we are still not in the clear. we found out that there is a chance that we could have a relaps... and while yes i am doing better but still not progressing. so who knows where this will go but where i know is that this things stinks. i would not wish it upon my worst enimes...but there is something to be learned and when challenges in life come we must just keep going. even though i may take small steps and they may not be big i am still taking steps. small steps lead to great things. thats something that keeps my smile on.. how do you keep your smile on in the midst of a trial?