....it has been far to long since i posted anything.... i dunno why it has taken me for ever to get to this point. The last year of my life has been a completely different life then i could have ever imagine, but the life i would never change. i have learned so much and grown in ways i would have never ever done all by my self.   
     
   lately i have been thinking on trials, and how we get so down in the midst of trials and hard times. why is that? why is it so much easier to walk around with our heads down and bogged down by emotions? though i am one that i believe a good cry, chocolate, and a movie night are just what it takes to make a bad day at least end on a better note. But what about after we have done all we can do, why do we let the feelings of negative stuff hang around.

   As the last couple of months have gone by i have thought a lot about this because i have been ornery, mean, nothing has gone right, and so on and so on. the other day i got a little in site of why it has been this way, yes i have every reason to mad and upset and grumpy for what is going on in my life, but why do i cheat my self and let those emotions stay around? Sure my legs may not work well any more, sure it is hard to get out of bed most days, sure my head is not clear like it used to be, sure struggle after struggle i can be grumpy about it. but why would i want to be? i have always heard that we are in the gospel of happiness i always believed that until i took that happiness away from my self, i was bogged down and mad because why would heavenly father take away the best thing i could ever do in my life and taking me away from his errand. It is not tell just about a year latter that i am finding out the whys and hows, i thought i needed them to get that "gospel of happiness" back in my life, but really all i needed was to look up.

     why is it that when we are in the midst of our hardest things in earthly life that we deny our self's happiness to make it threw? why is it easier to be sad then to just be happy at times? i am not saying we are supposed to be happy at all things and all times, because sometimes you need those days just to say to the world i cant take you on today and be sad, grumpy or whatever we need to be to make the next day better. some days and some trials just plan out suck and at times its all we can do is make it threw the day. But we forget that its okay to be happy in the hard times. it is not that we must just endure our trials but to find the happiness along the way. Heavenly father is not a god of sadness and sorrow but a god of joy, happiness and so much good. the times we are sad he is right there weather we feel him or not always has been always will. the times we are happy he is right there rejoicing with us. but do we deprive our selfs of rejoicing more? do we add pressure on to already hard enough tasks? i know i do. i am not perfect nor do i want to be, i make mistakes after mistakes. weather its the same one over and over or something new, i am harder on my self then heavnely father is on me. the lord said for give a man 7 x 70, we know that is to be for the people that may hurt us in any way shape or form, for me i always thought that just meant friends, family, just people in general, never did i think that to go for my self. Forgive my self 7 x 70 ? could i really do that? forgive my self for taking on more then the orignal trial by letting negative thoughts creep into my head....forgive my self for denying my self happiness...just forgiving...

   trails come and go but sometimes maybe the trials are the tender mercies. tender mercies are from up above just to say keep going a little longer it will all be okay, tender mercies are just that tender. just because we are going through whatever it may be doesnt mean that we have to bo bogged down in the sadness of it all every day, we can find the happiness or tender mercies while we are looking for the trial to be over. i know for me is some thing i really needed to learn. sure i cant walk well some days but hey look at the days i can? sure some days are harder to get out of bed but hey on the not so good days at least i get extra time to be warm in a cozy bed. sure my head may not be clear at all times, but those days that it is makes it worth it. trials and hard times are what we are here on this earth for, because some one cares about us so so much that he is willing to test and stretch us to become the best us we can possible be. why cheat our selves out of the happiness we can find along the way?

    everyday i may not be able to say i am grateful for everything i have been delt, but i know at the end of every day i can say i am grateful for a loving heavenly father that loves me enough to make me better. Going through a trial? how lucky are you!! you are being created to be the best you. you keep going and you keep making it through it the best you can, dont fake it tell you make it , just make it.

                                         KEEP MOVING FORWARD AND LOOKING UP!!



    

this is the post that i have been putting off for a while now.... what a whirl wind of things that have gone on lately... where to start... well last week i got the chance to go to the temple crutches and all. what a wonderful experience it was. i felt for the first time in a while that it was all really and honestly truly going to be okay. so great. then the next day i got everything that i had work for with walking and feeling my legs had gone...its crazy how one min i can feel on the top of the world filling good and progressing, then the next moment be taken away. i have had a lot of time to reflect and ponder how this really makes me feel... while writing my home coming talk many emotions fled into my head and heart. mission the mission, companions and friends, the people i worked with, etc. feelings of failure, anger, hopelessness, sad, and heart breaking soon to follow...but then something wonderful happened, they were lifted up and replaced with feelings of peace, comfort, joy, happiness, fulfillment and so much more. i saw that this is the biggest trial of my life....why do i need to make it worse by letting those feelings of hurt come into play and rule my life. there are many things that are out of my control. but that is one thing that is in my control. yes there are days that just plain out suck, but there are days that are so worth it, even if its just the tender mercies of the lord that i have to cling to all day long. the tender mercies.... every step, every day every moment is a tender mercy from the lord. why not live up to it. i can not control when or where or how i will walk or feel my legs again, i dunno when it will happen. but i know it will happen, and having a bad attitude about it wont help. everyone has trials everyone has something they need to progress from. i have known this for ever...but the thing that i didn't know was that sometimes we create more things then needed,by just form the way that we feel. from the way we want to take on the day. now Satan comes into play here, because he is the one that has those kind of negative thoughts, but who is our master and who do we serve? not the one that wants us to be as miserable as him, we serve the one that wants us to enjoy happiness with him, and so much more. i know that this is the road that i am supposed to be on. i know this is the trail that i need to have. maybe its mostly for me, but maybe others might be learning, just like i learn from others trials. sometimes having the trial in our own life makes us stronger, but everyday every where there is a trial that we may help someone else with or that it might help us in seeing the way they handle it. everything that we go threw in return helps us, but will help others as well. life is hard....make it better...life is special....find the joy....life stinks sometimes.....make it better....life is worth it....see the miracles and the tender mercies everyday. i am grateful for this trial, i am grateful for the support care and love that i have gotten. i am grateful for this life and the journey that it is bringing.

for the past couple of days i have been looking back on the days that i was in the hospital in maine....something that keeps coming to my mind is the saviors atonement...in my life i have not always made the right choices. i have learned that part of the atonement and being able to be forgiven for the mistakes and such, having used that i have a huge testimony on that part of it. now as i look back to being in the hospital, i have finally remembered something that happened, one spiritural moment for us all...so i entered the hospital thursday and stayed until monday, on saturday it was the worse day we had in there. i was in so much pain that i could not even open my eyes. i could not move at all, my companion and i were freaking out. i started to have a really hard time breathing. my companion called the elders to come up to the hospital. they came with in the hour. things started  to go really downhill. they came and i was not even able to talk to them. they sang hyms and i fell asleep. that night our mission president and his wife came up and spent the night with us. the next day they brought the sacrament up to us, there shared something that they had learned at church, when it got to me to say something, all that came to my mind was the atonement, how when with all of the missionaries, the mission president and his wife, and members, i was feeling a burden lifted. i was feeling the affects of the atonment that i have never felt before, i was so weak, could barely move, but yet i felt so light. that is where i truly found and was able to feel that jesus christ had truly taken my burden, my pain and put it on his shoulders. what greater blessing to keep me smiling??

in times of trials we have to look for the reason of why we are supposed to go threw it. health wise i am about the same. i started phsyical threapy and it just about killed me. and we just did the evealutaion. my body is extremly weak and tired.... needless to say we are still not in the clear. we found out that there is a chance that we could have a relaps... and while yes i am doing better but still not progressing. so who knows where this will go but where i know is that this things stinks. i would not wish it upon my worst enimes...but there is something to be learned and when challenges in life come we must just keep going. even though i may take small steps and they may not be big i am still taking steps. small steps lead to great things. thats something that keeps my smile on.. how do you keep your smile on in the midst of a trial?

mormon.org

this is a blog created, mostly just to keep track of my story and the road i am on. for the background i am a 21 year old female, I have just gotten off serving a latter day saint mission in the new hampshire manchester mission where i served with all my heart, mind and sole for a wonderful 9 and a half months. right in the middle of my mission i became very ill. one day i could walk and the next i couldnt. i was extremly weak and would walk and faint every time i would take a step. we went to the er and they said it was a viral infection. the next day things got worse by the day after i was in the hospital again with they began to say that it was something called guillain-barre syndrom. basically something that effects my nerves and means my immune system fights against its self..... life then changed in a blink of an eye.... i was then addmitted to the i.c.u. floor where they were watching me to make sure that it would not go into my lungs....3,000 miles away from home, across the country, in i.c.u, with a life threating thing....all i wanted at this time was my family...but the lord came threw and bought a "foster-faimly" members of the church were there in a heart beat. my compaion never left my side and other fellow missionaires came to the hospital everyday to help support us. what a huge blessing.

i could not wrap my head around how sick i really was. it was crazy. i spent 5 days and 4 nights in the hospital. there were times that i thought i would not be able to ever make it out... but i did. there were so many ups and downs and all arounds. the most thing that worried me personally was there was/is a time where i dont remember short term things. my memory of one of the most important times in my life was gone...this blog will be the posts of me finally remembering things, what a journey, my whole life changed in a matter of moments. the thing i learned the most from this is, not to waste a moment of life. because all to often and all to much it changes way to quickly.

there is a plan and i must follow it.